ABC / bachelorette / Bachelorette ABC / Reality TV

Bachelorette Season Premiere: Fantasy Suite Fail


The Bachelorette has officially started and bachelor nation, you are in for a wild ride. I think it’s safe to say this was the most unique (not in a good way) group of guys. By the way, whats with them looking 20 times better in their pictures on abc.com than on the show? They either gained weight or ABC has some master photoshop engineers.

First off, if you didn’t catch it, (how could you not?) the theme of this season is a Cinderella Story. Desiree is extremely humble and grateful for this opportunity, considering she was brought up in an apartment and lived in a tent for a part of her life (with her tatted brother who was arrested a few times). Of course this is a fairytale for her. Don’t forget to take a shot every time she says “humbling”, “humble”, “fairytale”, or “grateful”. Be careful though — you might be drunk by the first 20 minutes of each show.

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Pretty bad product placement..

Turquoise Bentley

From Honda Civic..to..a Bentley

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Drew

 

Let’s start off with Drew, the first guy that walked out of the limo. Hands down, I was in love the second I saw him and how cute  and shy he was. I mean, really, who wouldn’t fall in love with that nervous smile? Y’all know Des was hooked when he walked away and she did her “mm mm mm” I’ve been watching the Bachelor/ette since day one so I’m pretty confident in saying, Drew will be around for a while. Next out of the limo is Brooks. He’s got something really feminine about him, which would explain how he and Des resemble each other. Brad brought a wishbone and Des won. He’s secretly thinking..I hope your dream comes true and you pick me while Des is thinking, what on earth am I going to do with this? She probably threw it in the fountain. Michael G. looked a lot hotter (and more in shape) in his picture online, but hey, at least he’s a federal prosecutor. Upside for Des – he can keep her bro in line. He, also a little desperate, just a little to make a first impression by searching for a penny that Des made a wish with in the fountain a year ago on the Bachelor. Good thing he didn’t spend all night looking. Kasey works in social media (as do I) so I “got” him right off the bat. He gave Des some appropriate hashtags he thought would be fitting for her — #theperfectbachelorette #marriagematerial and #letthejourneybegin. While Des is smiling, she’s thinking #stopthehashtagmadness – This journey should be fun, as long as it’s documented with hashtags, courtesy of Kasey. Will arrives with a nickname for Des, but he doesn’t reveal the fact that he already said he’s in love with her on camera. Where was his high five? Mikey tells Des he’s close with his family and he understands the relationship she has with her brother and why he did what he did to Sean. Yes, Mikey has probably been arrested as well. Maybe him and Des’ brother are tatted buds.

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Zak asks Desiree if she will accept his abs

Ohh, Jonathan — He gets out of the limo with a letter that says “if you want to forgo the other 25 men, here is a “key” to join me in the fantasy suite.” Is he drunk or does he just not know any better? I’d say he’s just a chauvinistic pig. If I were Des he wouldn’t have gotten one step past me to enter the mansion. I am one to always give second chances, but thats not even funny. Just wait till later, y’all. Zak gets out of the limo with no shirt on asking Des “will you accept these abs”. She said she will think about it and when he walked away said, “daaaamn” James enters. He introduces himself and gets all serious on Des, mentioning loyalty in a relationship, getting married, old, and fat – Pretty intense for the first night..loosen up, James. Larry, the ER doctor proceeds to ask Des for a dance, well, he actually wants to “teach” her a dance move. Des rolls into him, trips, catches her dress, and rips it. Completely ignoring the fact that he ripped her dress, Larry claims “I hope we get to dance again soon.” Ya, maybe not dude. Nick shows up with a “gift” for Des..but wait, it’s a napkin. Then he adds fire to it, almost setting her dress on fire, and the napkin turns into a rose? How symbolic, Nick. Des was secretly thinking how can I magically make this guy disappear? Zack K. shows up in Converse sneakers, “trying not to be too fancy” yet he’s in a bow tie. Then walks in the knight in shining armor who will ultimately save his cinderella. If you’re trying to think of who he reminds you of, it’s Kasey (from Ali Fedotowsky’s season) who constantly reminded Ali that he was there to protect her AND guard her heart.

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Diogo is the man inside the knight suit

Chris seemed like the most normal guy, after Drew, until he got down on one knee..to ask Des’ permission to tie his shoes. A little weird..just a little. Mike R. showed up in his dentist jacket. Unless he was planning to give Des a cleaning on the first night, wear something that doesn’t look like you’re sterile. Robert asks Des if he can take his tie off (umm, ya, what was the point of that?) While giving Des lessons on how to appropriately pronounce his name (along with my tweet running across the screen), Desiree’s heart was pounding in awe over Juan Pablo. Hello, sexy! Enter the new, improved AND humble Jef Holm. Brandon came in on his motorcycle (remember — he’s the one who thrives on adventure and who had a VERY humble, yes I said humble, childhood — all similar to Des) Brian is the second normal guy (next to Drew) out of this group of guys. Besides his soft jacket, he was just himself. Micah showed up in a suit that he designed himself. When Des said she loved it, she really meant it’s hideous. When he walked away, she mumbled “I think I’ll do the sewing”. Nick was pretty normal, bringing out his emotional, feminine side by reading Des a sweet poem. Did he get it off the internet? Dan walked in and oh man, he is MY type! If Des gives him up, I might have to swoop in and take a whack at him. He was one of the most normal guys right out of the limo as well. Des’ final suitor came in a package. Brody accompanied his daddy, Ben to meet his potential future mother, or for Ben to have a one up on all the other guys. Hmm, genuine or a b********er who just wants to get ahead? Brody wanted to stay for the party — Smart kid! ..he sure knows whats good, but he had to go back home with his grandma. Wow — Nice job, Ben, introducing your entire family to Desiree the first time you ever met her, yourself. #tryingwaytoohard

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Ben Scott set a Bachelor/ette first, introducing his child (Brody) to Des the first night (was it a genuine, I want to introduce you to my other half or was it to try to get the lead?) You decide!

…And the party has officially started! As soon as Des walked into the mansion, she was surrounded by the 26 guys she had just met outside (minus Brody who went home with his grandmother but showed his desire to stay and party with the adults). Des made a toast to “new faces, new hot bodies, and a wonderful night.” AMEN. Nick (the magician/tailor) put his “magic” to the test and made Desiree “disappear” for 5 minutes while he talked to her. Not for long, bud. Magic will only get you so far in this journey. Brandon aka ‘pinstripes’ knew his time was limited so he grabbed Des from Nick. Brandon gave Des a coin that his mother gave him when she was 7 years sober and told her about when he had to decide if he would go to the birthday party his grandparents wanted to give him or the interview to be on the Bachelorette, he flipped the coin and it told him to go meet Des (or he just decided if he went to a party with his grandparents over meeting his potential wife he would be screwing himself over) How symbolic – He told her to keep the coin and give it to his mother during their hometown date (one problem Brandon — hometown dates are not guaranteed). Brandon thinks he had just met his future wife..hold up, buddy — this is the BACHELORETTE. Ben stole Des away from Mikey T. to discuss how he has the ‘cutest kid in the world’. Des continued to ask him if he was married (one would think if you have a child, right?), but he informed her “I was never married. It’s more of two friends have a kid together. We’re honestly best friends. He’s got a great mother.” Wait, did I miss something? So, Ben is looking for a wife and a life partner, yet he thinks it’s okay to impregnate his best friend? This doesn’t sound kosher. Ben continues to describe his family and interests. When Des realizes they have a lot in common including camping (remember — she grew up in a tent for a while) and hunting. Anyone who hunts in my book will be left in the woods. Needless to say, Ben’s theory worked with the ‘cutest kid in the world’ and he got the first, first impression rose. He knows what he’s doing. Three words — WATCH YOUR BACK.

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Zak W. wanted to let Des know that he is 100% serious about this (yet he showed up with no shirt on) so he strips down and jumps in the pool to get her attention, not like showing up without a shirt isn’t enough to get her attention. Kasey grabbed Des from the pool deck and left Zak to drown. No need to sweat, Des came back and gave Zak a rose. Wheww it worked. Des should have pinned it to his huge ego instead of his pants.

During their alone time, Bryden tried to make up for his awful barber and his haircut (he needed to fire him ASAP), by talking all about himself and his experiences in Iraq. Needless to say, he got a rose, a pity rose. Juan Pablo grabbed Des to kick the soccer ball around. He should have re-thought his plan, considering his alone time turned into a group date/soccer game – Not ideal.

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How can you not fall in love with that smile? Drew got the rose.

Drew scored some alone time with Des and all I have to say is he is the MOST adorable, sweet, and genuine heart-melting guy. Yum, yum, yum! He is my frontrunner and my choice for next Bachelor if Des doesn’t choose him (she’d be crazy not to)

Larry, still talking about the failed “dip”, approached Des again. Let’s just hope he doesn’t have any more dance moves up his sleeve. Des thought he was sleepy, I just think he was being creepy.

Meanwhile, Jonathan spends his time setting up the fantasy suite — lights some candles, fluffs some pillows and does some one-legged push-ups before trying to kiss Desiree on the mouth (as opposed to other places?) He says he is more outgoing than her ex boyfriend. Desiree looked a little confused, asking “do you know my last boyfriend?” Apparently he was referring to Sean. Any guy who talks smack about Sean Lowe in my book is HISTORY. He claims he is more outgoing than Sean and has no filter (tip to guys: having no filter is not a good thing), but she cuts him off and ditches him before he can get her back to his homemade “fantasy” suite. He’s really confused, because his mom thinks he’s attractive and he has a “huge love tank.”

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#fantasysuitefail

At least he went back to the fantasy suite alone..to be with his very large “love tank” and plan his second “attack”. Jonathan, not about to give up, stole Des, hoping to take her to the fantasy suite (third attempt). Des makes it known that they will not be going anywhere and that he is making her very uncomfortable, so she cuts Jonathan’s night short and decides to send him home right then and there. YOU GO GIRL! Johnnie goes back home to mommy. Maybe she will want to tap into that “love tank” considering she thinks he is so handsome. #gross! #fantasysuitefail says Kasey.

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…and he’s gone…

Rose Ceremony

The guys who got a roses (before the actual rose ceremony) — Bryden, Zak (shirtless Zak), Ben, Drew, Michael G., and Nick M. Rose ceremony roses — Brandon, Zack K., Brooks, Juan Pablo, Brad, #Kasey, James, Robert, Brian, Dan, Chris, and Mikey T.

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Oh, ya, I almost forgot — my tweet was on TV. Don’t forget to follow me on twitter @alexis_jordana

The previews look pretty epic (girlfriends, fights, man tears, and yes, more hashtags). Stay tuned for Des’ journey to find love..and my episode recaps. Until next week..

Xoxo,

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Photo credits: ABC

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