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Bachelorette Episode 3 Recap: For the Love of Abs & Balls


This week was a little too different for me. The producers switched it up a little, but I’d say it was lacking Des. But wait, Desiree is the bachelorette. Yes, you heard me right — Too much drama, not enough romance. I could barely count the conversations that Des had with the men. Instead, you got hospital visits for a broken finger (poor baby), men in sweatbands, Ben in a tank top he stole from Ryan (Emily’s season), and abs. It just was an off week (for me). Kudos to the boys and the Bachelorette crew for bringing it big time this season. Within three weeks into her journey, Des’ boys have given her a hospital visit, a girlfriend scandal, a secret meeting, and a love confession (too soon).

Group Date: Mikey, Michael, Brooks, Chris, Brandon, Ben, Drew, Zack, Brad, & Brian

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The guys show up at this big warehouse looking place. While they’re waiting for the big garage door to open up, they’re thinking oh no, please don’t let it be roller derby! Their mission — to rip each others balls apart in dodgeball. Yes, I said it. Balls will be flying.  The guys get beaten up by professional dodgeball players (wait, there is such a thing?). The show might be more interested in bringing out their inner demons and getting rough and tumble, but I’m more interested in what they’re wearing. We’ve seen their primp and proper attire, but now we see their athletic side. “When the guys walked in, I about died laughing,” Des says. “It is so funny to see grown men in little tiny shorts.” Don’t forget Brooks’ half up half down do.

They split up in two teams (yes, red vs. blue, AGAIN), head over to The Grove to play ball. Love the setting with Tiffany & Co in the background — Now all they needed was Des’ Tiffany blue car to be parked there too. The blue team — Ben, Drew, Zack, Brad, and Brian took the first round, to put it mildly — they destroyed the red team. Drew surprised everyone with his underrated dodgeball moves (I mean who really thought the sweet guy Drew would have it in him?) The date wouldn’t have been complete without someone getting injured. Brooks broke his finger but acted like he got a concussion. He was taken to the hospital, given IV, and did his best Tierra impersonation. He tried, but Tierra’s got game. He came no where near. The red team — Mikey, Michael, Brooks, Brandon, and Chris tried to bring the win home for Brooks, knowing that the winning team would ultimately get alone time later that night with Des. Zack pulls off the win for the blue team, noting “All I saw is the ball hit his other ball and explode! It was great!” #bestquoteofthenight

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Really? A crotch shot?

Des invites the entire group of guys, winners AND losers to the after-party while Brooks cries like a wuss at the hospital. Doesn’t Des remember last season? The goats milk? Both teams do NOT get to reap the rewards. One team stays, one goes home.

At the after-party, Des and Brad get some alone time, where he drops a bomb on her — He has a 3 year old child, Maddox. Des looked relieved. Relieved that Brad didn’t say he had been arrested or anything. Oh wait, there’s more. Maddoxs’ mom apparently has drinking problems and tried to steal Brad’s car when they were together. “I was trying to stop her,” he explains to Des. “The next thing I know, the cops are arresting me for domestic violence.”

After Brad’s bomb, Des had more one-on-one time with the other guys. Luckily for her, they weren’t half as intense as her and Brad’s. Chris brought Des up to the roof of the building where they had a nice talk and shared their first kiss. I didn’t like Chris in the beginning but he’s growing on me. He’s Adam Levine meets a gruff baseball player. Mhmm. I think he will get pretty far. Chris had Des’ attention until baby Brooks walked in with a bandaged broken finger, who needed her attention. “Damn you Brooks”, Chris snarled. For a split second, it looked like Brooks was going to manage to get the sympathy rose but it was Chris who’s creativity won her over and got the rose.

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Girlfriend Scandal

It was the day of Kasey’s date but thanks to one of his selfish and narcissistic roommates, he would have to wait. Does this sound familiar? It was Tierra’s fault (due to her “fall” down the stairs) that made Sean late for his date with AshLee. Oh, the predictability on this show. While Des was getting ready for her date with Kasey, her phone rang. Guess who? Yes, Chris Harrison, also known as the bearer of bad news! He warned Des of the situation and she was all up for the challenge of reprimanding Brian on national television, with help from mediator Chris, and his girlfriend, Stephanie. Stephanie enters the house with Chris while Des is outside talking to Brian, trying to get more out of him as to why he’s there, about his past (or present) relationships, and his intentions (obviously the wrong reasons). Brian avoided eye contact with Des, proving he’s a lying scumbag. “Oh jeez” Brian snapped as he saw his girlfriend Stephanie come out with Chris Harrison. If I were Brian my words would have been a lot worse than “oh jeez”.

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Stephanie called Brian a coward and Brian accused Stephanie of throwing rocks at his face. (“I did throw rocks at your face. Because you’re a jerk!” she replies.) It turns out that Stephanie actually tried to break up with Brian one day before he left to come on The Bachelorette — he told her he was going to a business meeting (now every girl will question when their man says they’re going on a business trip, thanks Brian) — but he convinced her to give them one more shot. “You’re a lying, cheating, deceitful pig,” she yells at him. “What am I supposed to tell Donovan, my son? He looks up to you.” Guess Donovan will just become a lier, cheater, and a deceitful pig like the man he once looked up to.

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Chris Harrison has a new career waiting for him — breakup mediator

There was no question in Des’ mind what needed to be done next. Brian needed to go. Chris Harrison called Paulie, the Bachelor/ette security guard with the baret (when Paulie shows up you know shit is going down) Once Brian was gone — in a van (Stephanie got a limo), Des moved on to her date with Kasey.

One-on-One Date: #Kasey

She and Kasey pulled up to this tall building in LA, only to find out they would be “dancing” on the building in harnesses. Not repelling, but dancing. This season wouldn’t have been complete until they repelled, danced, or even jumped down a building in LA. It’s becoming a Bachelor/ette ritual. While Des is trying to get her mind off of Brian and his secret, the guys are still in disbelief over it, especially Brandon who breaks down in tears. “I’ve had a lot of men come into my life as father figures, and I’ve fallen in love with them. And then they’re just gone. I don’t want to fall in love and lose it again. I just don’t want anyone to leave me anymore.” He and Ashlee Frazier would make the perfect couple. Abandonment fears + metaphors = the ideal relationship.

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Apparently dancing on the side of a building isn’t as fun as it looks. Kasey described it as  exhausting — physically and mentally (Kasey is not very coordinated). The two try and relax with a romantic rendezvous on the rooftop but the Santa Ana winds have other plans for them. The wind and rain is going to win. After being blown to pieces they decide to take a dip in the pool (not sure who’s brilliant idea that was). They can only tolerate about two seconds of the freezing pool water, until they both grab towels and cover their heads. They’re both shivering, but Kasey really wants to kiss her so he goes for it.  I don’t know — to me this entire date sounds very awkward. Maybe it’s just me. After they share their freezing cold, awkward kiss they escape to a small corner inside, talking about their disastrous date. As much of a bust it was, Des decides to give Kasey a rose. #score I mean how could she blame him for the wind and freezing cold pool? #winning

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Group Date: James, Dan, Juan Pablo, Bryden, Zak

James, Dan, Juan Pablo, Bryden, and Zak get the last one on one date. Since the other guys have gotten to ride in Des’ Bentley and limos, the guys are anxious to see their ride. Hold your horses, boys! They get to the Rose N’ Thorn Ranch where Des and them get some training from the stunt team of the new movie, Lone Ranger. When cowboy boot camp was over the guys are tasked with “rescuing” Des in a cheesy, Wild West scenario. Looking for her lone ranger, Des was looking for the best in lassoing, pistol work, and stage fighting. Juan Pablo was her lone ranger, or just the one she fantasized making out with. Regardless, JP got alone time with Des in the barn where they saw an advanced screening of Lone Ranger. Not surprisingly, they end up making out instead. “Juan Pablo is the best and worst movie date, because he’s distracting,” Des quips. “I think he’s very sexy, and he has this vibe that’s just so sensual.” Me personally? Juan Pablo is might sexy but he’s the spring break hookup type — not a life partner. He will most likely get the boot soon.

Later that night at the cocktail party, Des shares some one-on-one time with Bryden. Apparently Bryden got some hair advice from the other guys because he finally gelled it to the side. MUCH better look. Des also has some on screen time with James, who claims he misses his dad terribly, who is sick. Des gives him the aww, baby face and tells him to wait right there. We all know what’s coming.. James gets the rose. He’s elated — the other guys, not so much.

Pool Party

The next day, Chris Harrison comes to the mansion to announce that the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party has been canceled. Instead, Des wants all the guys to join her for a “relaxed, chill pool party.” The Bachelors are psyched to show off their abs and muscles, but things get off to a rocky start when Ben sneaks off to see Des before the bash and convinces her to take a ride in her Bentley. Mikey and Kasey are disgusted to see the two kissing in the driveway — especially when Ben lies to them about the secret meet up. They confront him (again), but Ben’s not rattled. “It’s called The Bachelorette for a reason,” he says. “It’s not called Let’s Make Friends.” In case all of you were wondering, Ben is Tierra’s secret fiancé.

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photo-332Des got a chance to spend some time with the other guys, while Ben sneakily told Mikey T. and Michael G. that he hadn’t had alone time with her, when they saw them making out in the car with their own eyes. I sure hope Brody knows it’s not nice to keep secrets because his dad sure doesn’t. The guys confronted Ben but still, got nowhere. He was as cool as a cucumber. Brandon steals Des away to talk about his feelings for her. “I am falling in love with you,” he admits (just a little early) “I think about you all day long” (can you say obsessed?) He kisses her, she kisses him (not very willingly) while her smile after says thank goodness thats over.

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Props to the Bachelor/ette Crew who managed to break another guiness world record with 16 guys and one girl in a hot tub #homoerotic

Rose Ceremony

Again in pinstripes, Brandon claims he has never been so confident — which of course means he’s going home. Des gives roses to Bryden, Juan Pablo, Brooks, Drew, Zack, Zak, Brad, Michael, Mikey, and Ben, leaving Dan and Brandon in the dust. Both are visibly upset, but Brandon has a very difficult time with the rejection, fearing he was just abandoned by Des and will be abandoned by others in his life so she takes him outside to explain her decision. For a second I thought it was the final rose ceremony and he was the runner-up.

Onto bigger and better things in the east coast, all! Des and the guys are off to Atlantic City to tour parts of NJ that were hit hard by Hurricane Sandy, party it up AC style, and of course, a Mr. America pageant (here come the speedos).

Until next week..

Xoxo,

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